Dharma Rain Zen Center - Stillpoint

Looking at Life Differently

by an Inmate at Coffee Creek

I stepped out of the white van in shackles, chains, and cuffs, and sat in a cold empty holding cell. This was it, prison. I was scared to death of what was happening to me, the unknown. I sat there for about 3 hours before the guards began to process me in, assign me a bed, and give me the condensed version of the rules.

I am now immersed among other inmates. I walk down this long, ominous corridor, terrified of the other women I was passing along the way. Three years I would have to be here. I thought that I would never make it. I was broken in every way imaginable: mentally, spiritually, emotionally, even beginning to deteriorate physically. My name is [withheld], and I am an inmate at Coffee Creek Correctional Facility.

My story really began long before that gloomy day. I was one who tried to the end to hold all the pieces of my life together for appearances sake. However, it was a façade presented to everyone, including those dearest to me, my family. I had been holding a deep, dark secret that would end up hurting everyone around me. I had been stealing from where I worked for over a year. I had been arrested, released, and had been covering up and lying to the ones closest to me. I knew I was facing prison, but could not deal with the sad, hard truth. My decisions at that point were irrational, irresponsible, and illogical. I was ready to die, or so I thought. I made a serious suicide attempt, which led to my family discovering the trouble I was facing. After eight days in the hospital, I was released, and a couple of hours later I was arrested for missing a court date. Welcome to jail, and soon to prison.

I've spent days soul-searching, taking any class offered: I wanted to learn from this experience. I could never pinpoint what it was I was looking for, but I knew I didn't have it. Many days I was homesick, lonely, and sad. I had to change somehow. My first introduction to Buddhism was through the yoga class I had begun. I was intrigued and wanted to learn more. I knew they offered a Buddhist service, but was hesitant because all I knew about spirituality was through Christianity. I took the opportunity to do some reading through the prison chapel library and found that many concepts of Buddhism just made sense to me. Finally, I decided to attend a service on Monday evenings.

As I started attending the Buddhist service, I began to look at life differently. Many of the things I was searching for — happiness, contentment, and self-love — were within my grasp all along. Everything is a choice, and those choices come from within. We humans tend to create our own suffering by becoming too attached to particular outcomes of situations, not just living for the present moment, not allowing ourselves to feel what we are feeling. If we choose to live for the now and choose to be happy for now, we make a choice to be okay with different situations and their outcomes. Understanding this concept alone has reduced my stress, anxiety, and depression.

Buddhist practice shone a light in my heart, which in turn has given me a new perspective on life. In addition, I have learned to meditate and to enjoy just being still. I intend to continue this practice on my release. There will still be problems and issues to handle, but I now hold a different perspective, and can choose how to cope with them. I have learned how “just being” is a gift of life itself. I feel that I have just begun to learn some of the greater gifts that Buddhism has to offer. I have found some inner peace, a practice, and a new understanding of life in a place least expected.

 

Dharma Rain Zen Center’s prison outreach program takes meditation and Buddhist teachings to six institutions in Oregon, including two facilities at Coffee Creek. In addition, we provide Dharma Friends (pen pals and/or visitors) for inmates, and also transition services for those releasing in connection with the Home for Good for Oregon (HGO) program. We are always in need of more volunteers both for going in to the institutions regularly and also for Dharma Friends. Information about volunteering.

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