Dharma Rain Character

Still Point

Newsletter of Dharma Rain Zen Center

Portland, Oregon

Volume XXX Number 6

November December 2005

 


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by Sallie Jiko Tisdale

(This article was orginally a Dharma Talk on Sun., 9 Oct. 2005)

Imagine a path into a forest. You've heard rumors about beautiful and secret places in that forest, along that path. You know it's a long road, but you set off, full of ideas about what these beautiful, secret places might be like.

After a while, with some dismay, you come to a fork. No one mentioned a fork! No one said there were two paths! Left or right? There aren't any maps, there are no guides standing by with helpful advice. Many people in such a position are paralyzed for a while, with no idea how to proceed. A few people even turn around and leave the forest, so afraid are they of making the wrong choice - or of choosing itself.Most of us, facing such moments, do proceed. We may wonder for a while if we made the right choice, but we quickly stop worrying about it, because the path itself captures our attention. Then we come to a meadow, and then a lake, a lovely distant view, a place of small, hidden flowers. What a good choice we made - what a nice path this is, with its beautiful and secret places.

After a while, you begin to glimpse other people, in the distance. You hear steps, you see a passing shape, not so far away. A person waves to you from across the lake, and you realize - hey, that's the other path! Hey, that's a nice view! I'd like to see thatview. Dang! Maybe I picked the wrong path. Maybe those people, over there, are getting to see a lot more of the secrets than I am.

So are we beset by jealousy and fear even as we walk.

More time goes by, more time on the path, and after a while, we realize this path isn't all easy and it isn't all nice. There's a certain amount of slogging, some mud, a few bogs full of mosquitoes, and then it rains. The trees are scraggly and the mountain completely disappears from view. Then we're sure - the people on the otherpath are having a lot more fun than this!

Another surprise - there are more forks in the path. More crossroads, more choices. Some of the forks turn out to be places of connection with the first path, another chance to take it. You can change your mind. But you begin to see how very many paths there are, and if you choose another, you have to leave the path you're on, the wonderful path that has come to mean so much in part because it is hard, the path that has been so rewarding, the path you have worked so long to climb.

Everyone has crossroads in their life. We don't always notice them, and just walk ahead on the more obvious trail, only realizing later we had a choice. We come to these forks with jobs and careers, relationships and families, where we live, how we live. Some choices are forced on us, others sought. Often we make a choice lightly that will become all the difference in the long run.

I've come to one of these places again. This time, I'm taking the other fork, the one I couldn't take before. From the very beginning of my practice, many years ago, I longed for monastic life. I have longed for it in one way or another since I was a little girl, watching Hayley Mills in -The Trouble With Angels.- I spent some time crashing around in the undergrowth, looking for the trail. But when I found this practice, a lot of years ago, I was committed to rearing children, and that process has gone on somewhat longer than I'd expected it to at first.

Off and on over the years I would be filled with longing for monastic life, even when my attention was captured by other things. I have been filled with longing for it even when I loved the path I was on very much. Because I did come to love this path my life has been. I have come to see it is whole and complete, beautiful and secret, infinite and full of opportunity and joy. Learning that, I have had to return to the longing, and examine it, and examine in great depth my own motives and desires, and the delusions and ideals I held. This hasn't been an easy or even steadfast decision, for a lot of reasons. I feel really sad at times, to think of leaving the life I've led, because it is so rich. But I will take the other path now, now that I finally can. In all these years, the urge for it has not dimmed.

I've been reviewing the endlessly branching paths of my past, the almost uncountable number of branching turns, the what-ifs that multiply endlessly at every corner. We die and are reborn many times in a given body. For me, this is a dying process, and eventually a rebirth. We don't always know we're dying until it is under way, but this is more like euthanasia, so it's important to me to be as clear as I can be.

I'm convinced that solving this koan about the form of a life of practice - what it looks like for oneself - that is, learning to -do something by oneself without copying others- - is key to mature practice. The Great Matter of Birth and Death, which is to say self and no-self, is about the nature of form and the meaning of the Absolute. Thinking about lay life and monastic life brings up many of our fantasies about form and essence. Like most Zen students, I've struggled at times with the idea that being a monk is -better.- The historical and institutional message sometimes tells us this - that this overt form of renunciation is more serious, more important. If you look carefully, you can find a lot of messages about how complete lay life is, too. Just don't believe everything you read.

Though the general image is rather monastic, Buddhism has many models for lay practice, both historically and in modern life. All the Zen lineages have lay ancestors and both Soto and Rinzai offer a form of lay transmission. One of Maezumi's main teachers (Koryu Osaka) was a lay person his whole life. His other main teacher (Hakuun Yasutani) was a priest who left monastic vows to marry and have a family. But Zen came to America in the vehicle of monks, and was taught as a quasi-monastic practice to lay people. Most American Zen centers now have a kind of mixed form that is atypical. There is confusion about the difference between the paths of lay life and monastic life, and the role of priests and teachers.

All the questions lay people have to ask about practice - what it looks like and how I should do it and how I should look and so on - all the routine disgruntlement of life - monks have to do, too. What does it mean - what does it look like - what do I look like, doing it? Maybe the people on that other path are having a better time! Maybe it's easier for them. Monks usually have the advan- tage of living in a dedicated container, with a schedule and a timekeeper - and wouldn't lay people like to have a timekeeper? Monks live with an imposed routine, and this is helpful. Lay people live with self-direction, and sometimes this is helpful. But sooner or later, each individual student, no matter what the form of their life, has to take hold of it for himself, for herself.

When Suzuki started the San Francisco Zen Center, he said to his students, -I think you [Americans] are a special people and want some special practice that is not exactly priest's practice and not exactly laymen's practice,- said Suzuki. This was a prescient comment; Americans have tried to do this. I don't want to do this. Though it has meant that here, I waited a lot longer for the chance to be ordained than I would have in another center - there are places where people are ordained with children, while working, and so on - I support the clarity with which we are doing this, insisting that these are, in fact, different paths. Equal, similar in many ways, but different.

At times the attachments and demands of daily life have felt like being wrapped in cobwebs. More than once I thought the way was clear and then someone in my life has needed me still, needed me in a way that was incompatible with residential practice. I've been resentful and frustrated, but each time I've found something important in meeting that need, something just as complete as what I thought I wanted to be doing instead.

This summer, as it really began to seem possible, I felt a mixture of curiosity and relief. Curiosity, because I really don't know what will happen, this is really something new - and relief, because it feels like putting on old clothes. I was working two jobs, studying Japanese, meeting deadlines, beginning to worry about bills and families, about how this will work, feeling myself wrapped in all those cobwebs. The whole idea of closing up large sections of my life seemed largely theoretical for a while.

I won't be a lay teacher much longer, which is probably a good thing, as I haven't been a very good one lately. My mind has been turning away from it in the train wreck of these last few months getting ready. But this too passes. I learned years ago that the feeling of being cornered, in a tight or impossible predicament, trapped or thwarted, was a good sign. In our practice we walk through those open meadows, and we crawl through small tunnels, too. Those tight places are like the ass end of the tunnel, or a cocoon just before splitting. If I can just relax into that tight, impossible place, be wholly confused or trapped or whatever, something does happen. The tunnel ends, the cocoon opens. That's how it feels now - like I've stepped out into the meadow again. More tunnels ahead.

I've gone in and out of this koan of form so many times, each by a different door. I finally just had to go all the way through it. I had to sink completely into my own form - into my life, my self, as it is. I came to realize the precious perfection of my life - the totality and completeness of my life, the total body of my life. This is sinking into the emptiness of all things - sinking all the way through - to know that self, activity, form is empty - robes are empty, rank is empty, family is empty, all we can call ourselves is empty. Ways-of-life are empty. Life is empty. I had to get past the idea that I was limited in what I could understand or realize. I had to feel the Way as my own pulse, no matter where I was. The fears about other paths and what we might be missing also rises out of emptiness. They are only dreams.

We say a bodhisattva takes rebirth without resistance, as circumstances require. That's what mothers and fathers do, what nurses do, teachers do, what all of us do if we are awake. The monk does it in the context of open sharing of Dharma. Robes and shaved heads are not important there; they are tools of expression, and need to be used appropriately, like all tools. Find your tools, to express and define your life, to make your personal truth visible and spoken. No one else's tools are better for that.

Sogyanandai is enlightened when he asks his teacher to ordain him and Rahulata says, -Since I have no self, you should see my self. Since you take me as a teacher, know that I am not my self.- Keizan tells us that understanding this principle is to -meet the Buddhas and Zen masters. Therefore you make yourself the teacher, and the teacher your self.- Lex Hixon puts it a slightly different way: -This is the ordination beyond ordination, the homelessness beyond monastic vows.-

This homelessness means to pick up our empty lives with both hands. That doesn't mean being passive. Seeing the utter emptiness of form is the only way to truly pick it up freely. The form in which we do this practice is by far the least important part of it; the sincerity with which we engage in any given form is key.

Standing here at this crossroads, these two paths look more similar than not. I know the one well, and the other isn't entirely new to me. I've taken short walks along it. Now it's time to walk it with total attention.

Postulancy is intended to be an experience of being junior, wholeheartedly - that is, an experience of willingness, humility and acceptance. This is, in fact, all we ever really need to know to engage this practice totally; postulancy never ends, because making the vow never ends. I feel it to be a continuation, with a more intense focus, of the practice I've long tried to do, which is to bow ever more deeply to the circumstances of my life as it is. If you're like me, in the midst of this effort you find a lot of trash in there, like fear, resentment, desire and hope. Now is a time for me to examine this more closely, with fewer distractions.

Practically, postulancy is a time of putting the rest of your life down as much as possible, and being available - to the teacher, the Dharma, the sangha, the needs of the moment. Before I do this, I have to take off my kesa and step completely out of the teaching role. Like anything else, this can be put down and picked up freely. No one is always a teacher, always a senior, or always a junior. Context continually changes. The trick is the freedom.

This is just my life. My path is just mine. But in the sangha, in this context, it has some particular effects, which is why I'm sitting here telling you these things. The role of the lay teacher is so important to me - not for my own sake, but for the community. Even as I've been a kind of product-tester for all the possible mistakes a person could make in this practice - I've inventedmistakes! - I've been aware that I'm holding a role that has iconic meaning to the community. I've been so humbled by the weight that I've carried at times, to be some kind of model for lay practice even when I feel like a mess. People who have known me a long time, and known that I wanted to be ordained, have had various reactions to this - I know that some people have a sense of being abandoned or betrayed by my leaving this role. At times I've felt that it is so important for American Zen to uphold and protect the image of mature lay practice that I've wondered if I should just bow to this as the real purpose of my life. But I know there are others, here in this room and countless others in the world, who can hold this position. The role - monk, lay teacher, lay person, priest - is empty, too. Notice what you project on it, what you imagine it to be, expect it to be, and know that this is your idea, and nothing essential.

I especially want to make it clear that ordination is not -the next step- after being a lay teacher. There is no continuum here; these are separate, parallel oaths. I believe the role of the lay teacher can and should be a -complete- role, leading to true authority and leadership, and long term intimate relationships with students who want to lead a lay life of practice. I hope, no matter what happens on my own path, to help support this role for the community. I hope someday to be a priest who never forgets how hard and important lay practice is.

Why do you want to be a monk? I know I haven't answered this question. There are too many answers, and no answers. There are small answers and selfish ones, big ones and fancy ones. I could give a lot of answers, but I know myself well enough to know that few motives are pure or simple. I've learned to be skeptical of my own agenda.

One of my favorite quotes is by a Christian writer named Frederick Buechner, discussing the word -vocation.- He writes, -It comes from the Latin vocare, to call, and means the work a person is called to by God. There are all kinds of voices calling you to all kinds of work, and the problem is to find out which is the voice of God rather than of Society, say, or the Superego, or Self-Interest... The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.-

It's easy to come up with answers about the world's hunger - about helping others, offering sanctuary, offering the Dharma, and so on. But for me a lot of it is about gladness. It's not the most fun, it's not the most pleasurable way to live. It's not the most playful. But for me it is the most happy. This call keeps on calling. And to say even this is only a shorthand for years and years of complicated conversations and musings and lessons. My life is a good life, a blessed life. But in some crucial way, it's not my life, as it is.

Most of us carry around some sense of not belonging to the world - a product of continual tension between ego and how the world tells you to be. That tension drives us to reify our identity, to say, -I am such-and-such.- With a deep realization that the self isn't solid after all and can't be relied upon, we come to an abyss. The dark secret we never say out loud is this knowledge of incompleteness. The world often intensifies the coalescing concept of insecurity and separation, because the world is going in the other direction, toward solidification. The paradox is that we belong to the world, totally, and discovering this allows us to fall into true completeness.

Seen wholly, the world and any given life is extraordinary. The true -person of no rank- dwells nowhere, acts freely, without expectation or hopes or fears. He or she meets each condition head on, cultivating anonymity and expecting no gratitude, offering what is available and accepting what is given. This is ceaseless practice without struggle; this is knowing there is no resting place, and resting in that.

Whichever path one chooses, there will be regrets. There will be wonder. When it's rocky and steep, when the views disappear, when it's muddy or the trail seems to fade away completely, we wish only that we'd chosen differently, chosen a path which surely would be smoother, clearer, prettier, easier than this one.

As a girl, and into adulthood, part of my attraction to monastic practice was the belief that it was harder than lay life. No pain, no gain, right? In the midst of rearing a family and having a job and trying to have a practice, I was convinced it was easier. Now I think it is both: harder and easier - because at any given time any other life is harder or easier than my own.

I said at the beginning, that some people are paralyzed by the fork in the road. Some retreat. But these are choices, too. Youhave to choose. Each of us is stuck with the fact of being alive. Teachers are like trail guides. There actually are guides on most trails - that is, people who have walked it before. (If you don't see the guide, if you feel all alone, explore that - and look more closely.) But these trail guides do a lot less than we want them to do, most of the time. The guide says, -Watch out for that rock - I just tripped on it.- The guide says, -Hey, it looks like it's going to rain.- The rest is up to you. The path is up to you.

We do come back to that great dilemma. -Oh my god, I'm missing something!- I've been saying in various ways that I'm not, you're not, no one is missing anything. But of course, we all are - because we are all missing -the other path.- We only get one at a time. Every life is -missing- every other life. Learning the lessons and receiving the gifts of my particular life, I miss all the lessons and gifts of a thousand thousand lives. You can never see what you've missed. You can never see what has gone behind, what might have been. There is grief in this, but no recourse.

The key to -I'm missing something- is to know that it is true - I am missing something, and I have to accept that, and know at the same time that I am not - I cannot be - missing something essential.

I know, I know, deep in my heart, that the only difference in our paths is the point of view. No point of view is complete. No point of view contains everything that can be seen. No path is harder or easier or longer or shorter, in the end. The Buddha Way stands open wide.

I feel myself bobbing and flowing in the froth of life's river, filled with a sense of beauty and fullness and richness in this river of life. This froth of air and water gets worked into a meringue of wet light everywhere, and this is true, no matter which path I'm on, no matter where or who I am.

 

8 September, 2005

Present:, Gyokuko Carlson, Kyogen Carlson, Gary Oshiro, Kisei Martin, Kei'un Lewis, Genko Rainwater, Kat Strieby, Sherman Coventry, Shisei Niski. Absent:Dosho VanSant

The meeting began promptly at 7pm.

1) Approval of Minutes from prior meeting:Minutes of the July Board Retreat were approved unanimously.

2) Open Forum for Member concerns:No members brought concerns to the Board.

3) Date for next meeting: Thursday, 10 Nov., 7 pm at the Sangha House.

4) Treasurer's Report: The Income/Expense Statement, as of July 31, shows us almost $29k in the red. The Board agreed that we should pay down the line of credit to minimize the interest we're paying.We can draw against the line of credit to pay for the Zendo roof if necessary.

Our end-of-year fundraising effort is likely to be more difficult than usual given our desire to raise funds for the Zendo roof and the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. The Board agreed that our end-of-year effort should focus on the Zendo roof specifically, and that the annual fundraising letter should come from the Board in addition to the Abbots.

Residents Update: We're nearly at capacity for fall term, with two rent-paying postulants and three non-rent-paying ordained disciples in residence. Another postulant is on track for spring. Gyokuko asked the Board whether the community should provide room and board for monks whose five-year initial commitment is ending but wish to stay in residence. The consensus was that if someone wishes to stay in residence, they need to pay for room & board with either cash or labor.

Prison Transition Fund:The prison outreach program has had an initial donation towards a fund dedicated to supporting prison sangha members as they transition out of prison. There was general consensus that we need explicit advice to avoid complications related to our tax and non-profit status, possibly from another religious organization operating a similar program. Kisei will look into this and report at a future meeting.

A motion to create a fund dedicated to helping participants in the DRZC Prison Sanghas transition back into society was approved unanimously.

5) Operations Report: Dharma House carpeting has been ordered, plastering and painting are underway prior to the carpet installation. Anthony Stevens decided to solicit a third bid for the Zendo roof.

Earlier this year, Kakumyo and Kenryu attended a workshop on energy use, and put the center through a energy audit by Oregon Interfaith Power & Light. The auditors were impressed at what we're currently doing, and are going to feature us in an upcoming newsletter. One of their recommendations was to install a photovoltaic system on the Zendo roof. They estimate that this could supply 30-50% of the building's electricity, with a net cost of roughly $9k. The ideal time to do this would be right after the new roof is installed. While this is interesting and in keeping with our overall values, the Board would appreciate more research into current photovoltaic technology, with attention to issues such as how long the panels maintain their efficiency and how to dispose of them at their end of life.

6) Communication: Web Site Update: all text has been submitted to the developer, who appears to be unreachable. The effort has been greater than either party realized at first.

Sangha Forum Sunday October 23rd: to feature an update on the 26th & Taylor purchase and 20th Ave sales update; the Dharma House-work to comply with our conditional use permit energy audit; the strategic direction report; general history and update from Kyogen; summary of relevant discussion from the board retreat; follow-through on items raised at the Spring forum (new member classes, etc.); and upcoming board vacancies/elections

7) Membership: Renewing Member Outreach. There are no renewing members that need to be contacted in September of this year, but the Membership Committee will catch up with members who renewed in June, July, August. The Board will be contacted for help via email when the Committee picks a date.

Speakers Bureau: Dainin Morse is no longer leading this effort, Kakumyo is effectively coordinating it.

8) Delegation/Apprenticeship

Apprenticeship Committee:Zenkyo is leading the effort to fill the job roster for Fall term.

9) Board Elections:

Kyogen, Kisei, and Shisei to meet in the coming week to identify potential candidates.

The meeting adjourned at 9:15 pm

Respectfully Submitted,

Joe Shisei Niski, Secretary

This beautiful Keisu stand was made by hand by Ha-an Young on his lathe.

 

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Information about upcoming events

 

...Click here to go to our Events Page now updated to November and December.


Zen Center News

News now has its own, separate page.Click here to go to our News Page.

 

 
   
 

 


Affiliated Groups

Eugene:

Eugene Zendo News

The Eugene Zendo has its own newsletter. Please contact the Eugene Zendo's resident priest, Ejo McMullen, for information: 541-302-4576 or ejo@eugenezendo.org, or visit their website at www.eugenezendo.org. The Eugene Zendo is located at 2190 Garfield Street in Eugene.

Eugene Zendo Schedule Summary

Monday- Friday mornings: Zazen, Service and Temple Cleaning; Tuesday evening: Dharma study, classes held during Ango periods; Sunday morning program begins in Fall 2005. Please call or check website for exact time and details.

Pendleton: The Pendleton group meets Mon.-Thurs., 12-1pm. We sit in the quiet reflection of Soto Zen meditation; conversation at the close of the sitting period is optional. Individual meditation instruction and posture solutions for all ages and physical conditions is available. Contact: Joseph Mugaku Engum, sammie@wtechlink.com, 541-276-8445 days, 541-276-0038 eves.

Hood River Meetings 

A sitting group meets in Hood River twice a month, with a teacher visiting from Portland once a month. Please see their web page at www.HoodRiverZen.org or call Catherine at 541-386-7388 for more information

OSP(Oregon State Penitentiary) Zen Group

Getsushin Brox meets regularly with dedicated members of the OSP Zen Group for ongoing Dharma work and study. Kakumyo Lowe, Hongaku Leatha and Kisei Martin assist with monthly services. For information, contact Getsushin through the Zen Center.

 

Oregon State Penitentiary
First Tuesday of the Month 1:00-3:00 PM - Zazen, Class, Closing Chants
Third Tuesday of the Month 6:00-8:00 PM - Zazen, Dharma Talk, Discussion, Closing Chants

 

 

 

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Membership

We would like to invite you to consider membership in the Dharma Rain Zen Center. Membership represents commitment to the Sangha and the Buddhist training that the Sangha embodies. Membership is required to vote for the members of Board of Directors and on any other issues that come up for a vote. Some classes and events are only open to members. There are five categories of membership, based on amount contributed each year, plus Full Member.

A Benefactor is a member pledging $100 per month or more. Privileges are the same as for Supporting Members and Sustaining Members. Benefactors are investing in the long term development of Dharma Rain Zen Center. This development will improve on the resources we already have, and ensure their continued availability to the growing number of people seeking the Dharma in the greater Portland area.

A Sustaining Member pledges $75-$99 per month. Privileges are the same as for Supporting Members, with the extra money given helping the Center keep the fees for retreats and other events low, and to continue providing classes and workshops free of charge to the general community.

A Supporting Member pledges $50-$74 per month. This is the basic level of Center membership, in that contributions at this level are enough to keep the facilities open and to help support the priests and other essential staff. Privileges include receiving Still Point, members' access to the library, and more substantial discounts on fee events and some bookshop items.

A Center Friend pledges $30-$49 per month. Pledges at this level help cover our basic expenses such as mortgage, utilities, mailing costs and general supplies. Privileges include receiving Still Point, members' access to the library, and discounts on fee events and some bookshop items.

An Associate Member pledges $10-$29 per month or a lump sum of $100 for one year. This category is primarily for students and others with limited income, but is also for those who may be less involved, yet wish to make a contribution to the Center. Privileges include receiving the Center newsletter, Still Point, and members' access to the library.


A Full Member (formerly called a Senior Member):

Some Zen Center offices and events are restricted to Full Members.

Lay Ordination is a ceremony in which one formally takes the Precepts and becomes a Buddhist.

Lay ordination is not required for any of the associate, basic, supporting, etc. memberships in the Zen Center, nor is membership required to receive the Precepts and become a Buddhist. The Center holds the Precept ceremony once each year. If you are interested in becoming a Buddhist, contact one of the priests. (503-239-4846 or e-mail at Staff@Dharma-Rain.Org )

If you would like to become a member of the Zen Center, click on this link to get a copy of the membership form.

 


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STILL POINT edit of 24 November 2005
Dharma Rain Zen Center Newsletter
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Volume XXX Number 6- November December 2005
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