Dharma Rain Character

Still Point

Newsletter of Dharma Rain Zen Center

Portland, Oregon

Volume XXIX Number 3

May-June 2004

 



By Rick Fumyo Mishaga

(This article was written in 1996 as a Dharma "status report" on practice and koans for Kyogen. It was published in Stillpoint in 1998; however, we've decided to run it again. At this time of year, in preparation for Denkoe, we turn our attention toward the study of the ancestors' practice and personal koans. This article is an example of how these koans can inform our practice today. It has been modified for publication here.) -ed.

She reminds me how much I hate traveling: "We will have to remain here at the gate a little longer while the mechanics finish checking . . . " The flight attendant's voice is drowned out by a chorus of groans. The humid cabin air stagnates; there's no circulation on the tarmac. It's Friday night, and homeward-bound business travelers are packed in tighter than sheep in a holding pen. I am exhausted from a week of long work hours and intense meetings and negotiations. My back aches, and all I want is to be in my own living room, collapsed in front of the TV.

In my snit, I choose not to participate in the customary complaining and good-natured bantering among the business travelers who know these delays so well. I bury my face in one of the airline magazines that always clutter the pocket of the seat in front of me. I quickly snap through pages of the magazine -- classic displacement behavior, as I have no intention of reading any of the articles. But my eyes are drawn to an advertisement with a Franciscan monk in a monastery garden. For some reason, this scene reminds me of Zen Master Tozan's monastery.

I think once again about the koan of the young monk and overhear him asking the Master, "Where is this place where there is neither heat nor cold?" Tozan fires back, "When it is hot, heat kills the monk." Tozan's direct and wonderfully succinct reply comes over me like a bucket of ice water. With my body, I intuitively sense what it means to be killed by the heat, to drop the resistance, and to experience the fundamental essence of a moment without preconditions and without self. I am still hot and sore and tired but this life surfaces, marvelous in its complex fabric extending in all directions of space-time. I have an inkling of what it means not to be controlled by the old patterns of thought and behavior that condemn me to relive my self-centered feelings in isolation. I can be fatigued and uncomfortable. Accepting these conditions in this moment for what they are, I realize that I am liberated from any expectations about them.

My practice these days off the zafu seems to be a lot like this incident on the plane. Some of the ideas in Zen Buddhism that I studied with my mind a few years ago are now being revisited spontaneously and more intuitively with my whole body. I think that I am beginning to sense meaning in those everyday koans that define my existence. I do not feel the intellectual obsession to expand my knowledge of Buddhism and Zen as I did before. I feel more comfortable meditating with the basic ideas, descending into what I already know, and allowing the edge of my bubble to expand through intuitive insights into my everyday koans.

Now this process of pressing the everyday koan seems perfectly natural to me, this slow, rhythmic unfolding that all sentient beings must certainly face, each in his or her own good time. By way of contrast, I must admit that I have always had a perverse curiosity about systematic koan study and those who undertake it. As I look around me, I see every human, cat, and shrub wrestling with the all-encompassing koans that result from situation and personal karma. I can not fathom why anyone would willingly subject themselves to the tension and stress that must certainly be imposed by a formal koan "study program." My raw life is about as complicated as it can be. As I face the blank, imponderable wall of my everyday existence, I am content to have slight moments when realizations arise as they may.

This grasping hold of the everyday koan strikes me as the quintessential expression of one's individuality. I must face myself and my situation by myself. No teacher or companion can do this koan for me or mark the way through its labyrinth. I enter the Cave of the Blue Dragon alone. When I finally understood that my teacher was not going to fix my life or walk me through the "Zen" experience, I became comfortable knowing that my everyday koans were truly mine. I walk this path by myself, and I must muster the compassion to allow others to know and do the same. And yet, as I settled into the rhythm of my own pace, I began to sense a synergistic connection with other Buddhist travelers following their paths. For me, this connection adds a rich new texture to my everyday experiences.

Last spring I felt a strong sense of this connection, this other facet of the everyday koan extending beyond my individuality, when I was preparing for a class discussion of Dogen's Zazengi. I sensed that there are certain koans that must be faced by everyone who takes up this practice, when "the Mind that seeks the Way" arises within them. Although our personal,individual responses to these koans may vary, the barrier that must be pressed is the same for all. When Dogen asks,"Why are training and enlightenment differentiated since the Truth is universal? Why study the means to attaining it since the supreme teaching is free?" He poses this koan for all the generations who follow.

We all must wrestle with this paradox. We may even consider that our Sangha is defined by the shared koans, such as Dogen's koan, that must arise along this way. Our Sangha cannot be recognized by the similar cultural and socioeconomic conditions typical of Asian Buddhist communities, such as the monks of Tozan's monastery or the peasants of a Japanese mountain village. We come from very different family backgrounds with different values and have different roles and responsibilities in society. We have little that is truly common to all of us who share this practice, except our mutual koans. Experiencing these koans not only links us together here but also connects us to past generations and sets the bounds for Sangha in the future. Sangha, viewed as individuals facing the same, shared koans, is readily apparent in the initial experiences of those just beginning to practice Zen meditation.

I enjoy leading Introductory Meditation Workshops. Invariably, certain expectations arise in newcomers. The participants want to discuss the benefits of a meditation practice and what it will do for them. I understand this curiosity because we all suffer and we all initially came to the Center hoping to find some kind of relief. The opinions at the workshops cover a spectrum, from those who know exactly what they are going to get out of this effort to those who want someone to tell them why they are here. Sometimes I would really like to tell them that they are already enlightened. Therefore, if they have the discipline and fortitude to stick with this form of practice, they will "get" absolutely nothing for their pains. Of course, I do not. This first koan, Dogen's koan will arise. How can anyone understand it from the realm of dualistic goals, the world of the beginner? Each of us must experience Dogen's koan, one of those shared koans that defines us. We must press it gently by ourselves until the dualities fuse and the clouds temporarily part.

When I began meditating, I had expectations, too. I worked hard at the form, anticipating that I would get with the program and advance to the next stage, whatever that was. Realizing I had limited time, I had to make the most of each practice session. To maximize my time and effort, I reasoned that I would need optimum conditions, so I usually scheduled zazen for periods when I was rested, energetic, and in a good mood. I got nowhere with my plans; I felt as if I was beating my head against the blank wall. I continued, although frustrated, and gradually abandoned my plans and schedule, doing zazen when I could because there was nothing else I could do. I began to sense that Dogen's koan was less formidable than before. It seems that I have made a pact: I agree to sit for a while, in silence and dignity, just to manifest Vairocana.* In turn, he allows the universe to unfold for a while without my assistance. Now I just do zazen: sleepy or alert zazen, happy or sad zazen, achy or well zazen, confident or frightened zazen, shallow zazen, and, once in a while, deep zazen. It's all the same, it's all gray. What has changed is the sense of what might be called urgency, and a willingness to focus on the "question" and not my expectation of the "answer."

This effort helped me realize that what is really important is the question; the answer, in one sense, is irrelevant. The question, i.e., process of the holding of the koan, encompasses, expresses and engulfs the result. Taking the mind of meditation with me off the zafu means that I focus on distilling the koan du jour; I sense it throughout the day, and I express the essence of it by pressing the karmic moment and concentrating it to its simplest expression at one point in time and space. If and when I accomplish this, the duality of question and answer drops. The answer is obvious for the answer is always there; the question and answer are complete. How can they not be? Only the illusion of the duality, the "obstructing mountain and great rivers," separates them. I have found great comfort in knowing that no matter how difficult and insurmountable an everyday koan seems, the answer to it exists and is always there right in front of me. Having faith in the certainty of an answer releases me from uncertainty and fear of the unknown. When I realize this, I can function freely and, with gratitude, accept life as it enfolds, both the pleasant and the unpleasant.

Since the distillation of an everyday koan is the living expression of an individual being, it is necessarily defined by time and place. The answer, too, will be dependent on a unique and unrepeatable set of conditions. Therefore, a koan is unique and can never really be "asked" or "solved" twice. Sanzen, in one sense, is a formalized metaphor for this experience of the everyday koan. The trainee brings a distilled question to the Master but the asking and the response are unique to that moment - ask again another day and circumstances will have changed, the answer is different.

I have noticed this uniqueness in my daily work, where I am confronted with conflicts between environmental and economic needs. There is really no set approach for getting at the heart of the matter, even though the general problem is familiar. After years of taking stands on issues, representing positions, and negotiating solutions for clients, I have come to realize through my practice that lasting solutions to particularly knotty environmental conflicts cannot be resolved from the world of dualities. Fundamental solutions to complex environmental problems are not necessarily based in technology, nor are they a matter of right or wrong. Solutions to environmental conflicts do not lie in preconceived conceptual principles of what is fair and just. These are all dualities; fairness and justice are relative, subjective terms. Solutions based on these dualities will be temporary, which means the koan is not really "solved." More confrontation is merely held down like a beach ball beneath the surface of the water. When the pressure is relaxed, the issue will again arise.

Through zazen, I realize that fundamental solutions to such koans lie in accepting these dualities as they are and the different points of view they represent and then looking beyond them. My practice has convinced me that a solution to these deep-seated conflicts is there but will only be realizable when I can understand, for example, the logger in the owl and the owl in the logger. Since I can only realize the logger in the owl and the owl in the logger in a particular moment and place in the karmic stream, I can only realize the answer in the same moment and place. Asking the "same" question in the same way again but under different circumstances and another time will yield its own unique and immaculate solution.

Taking the mind of meditation into my daily life and attempting to live has another by-product -- the sense of freshness and surprise as unexpected results manifest themselves. By focusing on the process without regard to the result or solution, the mundane circumstances of daily life express their uniqueness and offer clarity andguidance as I travel through my everyday koans. The ring of a telephone, the feel of cold steel, the pull of a broom, and a picture in a magazine in a hot airplane -- all blossoms bursting forth in Tozan's "spring beyond time."

* Vairocana-one of the five trancendental Buddhas. Each transcendental Buddha symbolizes one of the five aspects of Buddhood and is associated with its own skanda or aspect of personality.Vairocana is"the incarnation of the universal Truth, the Dharma" from The Book of Buddhas by Eva Rudy Jansen.Back to article.


by Members of the Men's Group

Something I have noticed in a number of groups I've been involved with over the years is that often the women in the group felt strongly motivated to get together separately, as women, whereas the men rarely did so. At least that's a pattern I've noticed over the past 10 or 15 years. One year, at an American Zen Teacher's Association meeting, for example, the women wanted to meet together separately for one session. The men were left looking at each other and wondering what the heck we were supposed to do. We had become a sort of "men's group" by default, but we were a bit uncomfortable about that. At the women's meeting, they decided that the following year they would get together a day early to meet as a separate group, saving the men from further abandonment, and they have continued to do so ever since.

That first women's full day meeting took place in Syracuse. They met for a day, then traveled to the general meeting in Mt. Tremper, requiring two extra days to manage it. Since Gyokuko was a part of that group and would be going early anyway, Nonin Chowaney and I decided to get together in New Jersey, hang out there and in New York City while the women were having their meeting, then drive up together to Mt. Tremper. We had a great time and realized that there was much to be gained in meeting like that. We decided to suggest adding a men's meeting as well, and since then we have called the first half-day of the AZTA conference the "Gender Specific Meetings," and included it as an optional part of the general conference. It took quite a while before there were enough men interested in doing it to really call it a men's meeting. It was actually just a few guys hanging out. Come to think of it, that's still a good description, but we found we did have things to say, and the number of men involved has grown.

The mode of communication changes when a group is all male, all female, or mixed. Fifteen years ago, the AZTA was 2/3 to 3/4 male, and the women would point out that the meetings were structured in a way that was biased toward a masculine style. That was one of the reasons they felt a need to meet separately. There was a similar feeling among the women here at the Zen Center at that time, and here, as at other centers, there were a number of women's retreats and other gatherings, plus other efforts to bring the feminine forward. Over the years, within the AZTA and here at Dharma Rain, we have developed a more balanced style, a compromise, a culture that is a little more comfortable for women, but a little less so for men perhaps, yet workable for both. A corollary to this, I think, is that it seems to me awareness of gender has gone up among the men, while the heat associated with the subject has decreased among the women. At a recent AZTA meeting, for example, the women reported that they now rarely talk specifically about gender in their gender specific meetings. Over the years the gender balance at AZTA meetings has shifted to be nearly even, but most years the majority are women. Here at the Zen Center, until recently, the residents were mostly female, and many of the practice positions, especially shuso, have been occupied mostly by women. While it seems to me that women are still far more conscious of gender, men are finally becoming interested in the subject. A little discomfort will do that.

A year ago we finally got the DRZC men's group going, a once-a-month after Saturday service group, and this year a women's group has started as well. There were a few men in the Sangha that were strongly motivated to do this, but most of the men were unsure about what this meant, or why we would even want to do it. It did come together, however, and the members that stayed with it have found it useful. At the last meeting, I asked the guys to write something about why they come, and what they get out of it. It was funny to see that even after doing it for over a year, most of us had a little trouble putting into words just why we do meet, what it is that we do, and what we get out of it. What follows is what some of them have to say. - Kyogen Carlson

When I first moved into the temple, Kyogen asked if I was going to the men's group that morning. There was a strong resistance, although putting my finger on why is still a mystery. There are moments when that very resistance is still quite strong. Allowing it to be, there is nothing to be figured out. With this rising and falling, the relationship that I have developed with the men in the Sangha is a significant part of my practice.

Who am I as a man, a warrior, a friend, a monk, a human being, a blade of energy that moves to the winds of the universe? These questions are found in my heart as I allow myself to become intimate with my elders and my brothers who are looking deeply at this phenomenon of being a man. Growing up, it was a sin to be a man! There wasn't much that one could do to redeem himself if he found he was in this category. Yet today, hearing the stories and working next to those who are walking beside me, the twisted karma is beginning to unravel. The willingness to accept my anger, my maleness, my humanness has begun to emerge. What I have longed for my whole life is revealing itself before my very eyes.

There is a place for a noble upright man in this world, and I see it clearly in the men who walk through the temple doors, willing to see their true nature. There is a place for men of this Sangha to take their seat. I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to be human and to have the support of the whole sangha to discover my true nature. - Kenryu Jeffrey Binns

I would like to be accountable for my karma, though it is presently founded upon a beginningless past. As an effort with and for all beings, I want to shine a light on karma, enhance awareness and act wisely with what is "mine." I do have the intention to nourish the Sangha, unfold the Dharma and bow to Buddha; that is, honor my truest self, see the truth as best I can and do so for the well being of others. This is true with personal, group and global karma related to my gender; it relates to being a man-now. Just as practitioners process the koan, "What is our true nature?" it seems to be important to our group to process, "What does it mean to be men?" I hope we find a gem by involving ourselves in this process with and for others. - Mark Sosetsu Stauffer

Every month we "real men of the sangha" gather in a sweaty group, run naked through Forest Park beating jimbes, howling like panthers in heat. Then we sit around a raging bonfire, drinking cheap beer, farting and belching and telling dirty jokes. At least that's the illusion I present to my wife, because if the truth be told, she'd say: "What!? You sit around and talk about your Feelings!? What a bunch of Wussies!" And then I'd say: "No, dear...I mean: Yes, dear, no, no...I mean...Oh..." Okay, Here's the bird's-eye-low-down: For a little over a year, a group of men from the sangha have been meeting to discuss issues as framed within the context of being a man, in this sangha, and in this society. I have found myself in the interesting middle, between friends older and younger than me. Generations have different perspectives, differenct experiences, perhaps even different values, but we meet and share these like brothers. I look to the older men as where I'll someday be, and the younger ones as to where I once was. I enjoy the views and ideas, wisdom and pain of them all. I've come to realize that this camaraderie is missing in my "other life"; as I've gotten older, more responsible and settled, I have fewer friends and certainly fewer male "buddies". As the years go by, I also find that within the context of family, I am now the patriarch. A position I'm unsure of, with no elder or peer to turn to for advice or guidance. Except the "real men of the sangha." And so, once a month, we gather in a sweaty group, run naked through Forest Park..... - JD Devros

Participating in the Men's Group has informed my practice and furthered my personal development. In regard to practice, I haven't yet engaged with a group that is more intimate and solidly supportive as the Men's Group. This is, perhaps, because we are all men, communicating in our man-like ways, unhindered by expectations and the necessary guidelines of larger, more diverse groups. But that's just it: while we are all men and, therefore, have some common vernacular, we are also very different-many of us coming from different generations, some from different cultures and belief systems. And it is within this diverse "sameness" that vulnerability and truth is revealed and received.

For example, as a gay man, I had had difficulty in coming to terms with how to be a man in this culture, even in our modern society. I'd never felt completely at home with either gay or straight men, and always found myself in some undetermined middle ground. For years - well after having grown into manhood - I bumped around, never finding a solution to this problem. That is, I couldn't find my center of power and authenticity. I had never seen that I am a man, just as I am, even if I and a thousand others had mouthed the words.

So it was that I decided to become a member of the Men's Group. I entered somewhat suspicious of a closed group, concerned I wouldn't fit in or, worse, would have to 'omit' in order to be 'in,' something I had learned and exercised well throughout my teenage years. Or, worst of all, I was afraid the group would somehow reveal itself to be a bunch of jug heads and misogynists, the air about them rank with belching and farting, not to mention endless sports talk smoke-screening the hoped-for intimacy. As usual, my fears proved to be empty (although passionate sports talk and interesting expulsions occur regularly).

It was during the first or second meeting that I offered my perspective as a gay man on the current discussion and followed that with what it meant to me to be among a group of men, unmasked and unafraid; to be seen and accepted fully as one of the group, with no definitions, fear or requirements between us. My willingness was met with great acceptance and sincerity. One older member pointed out that in the past our conversation would not have been possible for either of us. In that moment, it seemed to me that something was healed between us, and within the group as a whole. And, for me personally, I see that this pattern of healing continues to expand. By 'healing' I don't mean anything necessarily mystical or grand. I mean in that moment a primal pathway (i.e. an opportunity) was cleared, enabling me to meet with others in a new and wonderfully unguarded way.

As men, no matter our particular differences, we share something deep and undeniable, and it is within the Men's Group that I have begun to discover who I am as a man and a dedicated Zen practitioner. And it is through my experience in this group that I am able to function more authentically within the larger sangha and community at large. - David Choten Robinson

Here's why I am in our Men's Group: I like group sharing. I didn't have a good male role model in my childhood and still don't have significant relationships with men. Men's Group helps me observe how men talk with men. Hmm...I guess I don't have much to say here. - Mikio Daicho Ohgushi

I've been asked to say a few words on why I attend the Men's Group and what I feel I get out of it. I feel my participation in the Men's Group is akin to what famed bank robber Willie Sutton is alleged to have said when asked why he robbed banks: "because that's where the money is." So I attend the Men's Group at DRZC... well, because that's where the guys are.

And from this guy's perspective, guys are pretty cool. What is good about the group is an opportunity to speak about what we feel are very male issues for ourselves in a non-judgmental setting, without feeling the need to edit on what might otherwise not be understood or felt as "politically correct." The DRZC Sangha, from what I understand, has had a number of years of bringing forward women in leadership roles, and rightly so- especially considering how little that happens in other spiritual communities in comparison. But this group now can serve a dual purpose-empowering the men in the spiritual sense within our community so they can be seen also as leaders and advisors in our sangha, as well as the ability to focus personally on issues that confuse and confound men being challenged as to just what is their gender role, what is it to be male, in a quickly changing, new millennium.

That, and it's fun to go out, drink beer, and hike a lot in the woods with "da guys." Yanno... guy stuff.

As for the women's group that has arisen as a result of this-I, for one, am all for it and encourage it. I feel men and women each get a certain "energy" and "juice" from being together amongst their own gender and sharing constructively. These situations only benefit all when we join together again in our community, each side of the gender coin so much the healthier, and better in dealing with each other, for doing so. - Faddah Yuetsu Wolf

 

9 March 2004

Present: Gyokuko Carlson, Kyogen Carlson, Gary Oshiro, Dosho VanSant, Kisei Martin, Kei'un Clardy, Genko Rainwater, Kat Strieby, Shisei Niski. Absent: Jeanette Ryan. Genko chaired the meeting.

The meeting began shortly after 7 pm.

1) Treasurer's Report:
Gary presented the final numbers for 2003. The net loss for '03 was just under $5000, compared to a $25k loss in '02. Net income was up roughly $2400 over the prior year, with contributions up $5700. Net expenses in '03 were down $18k. In other words, 2003 was a good year financially.

2) Operations Report:
We're filing for a six-month extension on the building permit for the Dharma House.

3) Calendar Committee Report / Sangha Forum on April 4th:
The Calendar Committee's presentation will be the main focus of the meeting. Kyogen will provide an overview of the liturgical year and various categories of events (retreats, ceremonies, classes, special events) and ask the Sangha for feedback. There will also be a summary from the Operations and Finance committees and a brief report on membership.

4) Bylaws follow-up:
The Abbots have named a Council of Elders: Bukkai, Dosho, Jiko, Getsushin, and Fumyo.

5) Ethics Statement / Policy:
This work-in-progress is being written from the perspective of relationships between Sangha members and relationship to the Precepts and our tradition. When completed, it will be published as a booklet for the community, like the guides to our forms and residency.

6)Storage Unit follow-up:
The Carlsons currently rent a 5' x 5' unit; given that the cost of a 8' by 10' unit is less than two 5 x 5's, they propose renting a larger unit with the Center.

7) Health Insurance:
With Kaiser rates going up 20% and another person to be ordained and added to the policy, there was a discussion about the possibility of changing carriers. The Carlsons will meet with Gary to discuss various options.

8) Zendo Tenants:
ZCO will be shifting their Sunday time from afternoon to evening. The Sufi group is interested in coming back on Tuesday nights.

9) Other / Misc.:
Kei'un noted that it's sometimes difficult to hear the Sunday Dharma talk - this will only get worse now that good weather is upon us. Kyogen will set up the P.A. system in the Zendo to address this.

NEXT MEETING: Thursday, May 20, 7pm at the Sangha House. The meeting adjourned at 9:00pm. Respectfully Submitted, Joe Shisei Niski, Secretary .

Photograph - Setting up the exhibit of the Buddha's relics. Relics "visited" DRZC in April.

Submit!

The newsletter is put together in the first week of every other month. Submissions are very welcome: short or long articles, which can be on any point of practice, including travel, research or personal experience; descriptions of events we've had; the occasional poem or drawing.

Send your items to: newsletter@dharma-rain.org, or by regular mail, or drop it off in the newsletter slot in the Center house office.

 

 

 

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STILL POINT edit of 26 April 2004

Edited for archive on June 30, 2004
Dharma Rain Zen Center Newsletter
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Volume XXIX Number 3 May-June 2004
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